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 In a world gone mad, I thought this week we’d chat about one of the few remaining things that helps me keep a grip on some semblance of sanity: collie dogs. I love collie dogs. They’re clever and attractive. They make their owners look good by sitting, staying and coming to call almost as soon […]

Paying attention at the back, there? Yes, you, Jimmy the Stick. Now listen: did any of you – any of you at all – notice the bit in the middle in last week’s column, between the two gags about my drug-fuelled sex orgy with Pippa Middleton, Eric Pickles, a small goat and the Archbishop of […]

Sorry I’m late posting this week’s column: I’ve been enjoying a drug-fuelled sex romp with Eric Pickles, Pippa Middleton, a small goat and the Archbishop of Canterbury. You see, if you fancy a drug-fuelled sex romp with celebrities, or indeed small animals, now’s the time. No News of the World to expose you, them or […]

In my day, of course, poverty meant walking eight miles there and back from workhouse to school on bleeding feet; at both ends of the journey we were beaten black and blue by Harry Secombe in a silly costume. God knows how he got there so fast. All we had to play with was a […]